"When I Must Leave You"

When I must leave you for
a little while
Please do not grieve and
shed wild tears
And hug your sorrow to you
through the years
But start out bravely with
a gallant smile;
And for my sake and in my
name live on and do all things
the same, Feed not your loneliness
on empty days,
But fill each waking hour
in useful ways,
Reach out your hand in comfort
and in cheer
And I in turn will comfort you
and hold you near;
And never, never be
afraid to die,
For I am waiting for
you in the sky!

Saturday, May 13, 2000

(17 days since Ben's death)

Encompassed by the darkness, the bitter, painful hopelessness.  Enveloped by a pain deeper than the universe.  Where is my precious boy?  My heart yearns to feel his touch, see his beauty, smell his being. When will we see the light?  No time soon…I know.  For now, we are partners with despair, anguish, misery, loneliness. My son is gone. My precious boy is gone. Lord, help me to hang on.         

~Ben's mommy

Footprints in the Sand

A coloring, by our precious Benjamin

April, 2000

An artist, and his tools. 

 The colors Ben received from his Aunt Angie and Uncle Steve for his second birthday.  These will be treasured forever.  My precious Benjamin's hands used these little crayons.  He loved to color, draw, paint or do projects.  I miss him beyond imagination.

June 9, 2000 - 44 days without Ben

Benjamin would have been 27 months old today.  No one can truly comprehend the depth of the grief a parent who loses a child feels, except those who have experienced the loss first hand.  It's an incredibly brutal force.  The loneliness, sadness and incredible physical pain are beyond most people's comprehension.  They could not even imagine how deep the emotions run, no matter how long and hard they tried. 

I've been able to bury my head and work four days this week.  I guess I would say it helps in that it forces me not to think of Ben every single moment of the day.  It does not, however, make any of the grief go away.  I have to just tuck it away at work, as best I can, until it finally has built up to the point of overflowing.  This doesn't take days to happen, just minutes, sometimes, if I am lucky, a few hours.

People say things like "You look good" or "You look better."  Sure, at that very moment they see me, I'm not curled up in a ball, crying until my eyes are nearly swollen shut, feeling like my heart and soul have been ripped out.  For that tiny little moment, I probably do look good...on the outside...to them.

I miss my Benjamin beyond imagination. 

 Love you, Benny Lump Lump.

June 16, 2000 - 51 days without Ben

A bullet to my chest,

Could bring no more destruction

Than the pain ready to burst at the seams

Of my broken, devastated heart.

Solitary confinement

For a dejected, isolated prisoner

Could be no more cold, dark and chilling

Than this loneliness of my shattered being.

I’m dying inside, and nobody knows it but me.

- The grieving Mother of Ben

July 10, 2000 - 74 days without Ben

No poetry, just emptiness.  I still miss Ben more than most can begin to imagine.  We have moved into our new home, but it is so empty without Benjamin.  We have seen tadpoles, frogs, turtles, snakes (ick!), and today, a doe, all in our back yard.  Benjamin would have marveled at them all, with the true innocence and beauty only a two year-old has.

I still struggle through my days, not yet making it a single day without tears or deep pain.  Benjamin was our "buddy" and we miss him so much.  Do not think we are weak for "lingering" in this pain.  If you do, it simply says that you have not lost a child and have no concept of how deep the hole is in our hearts upon their death.

A very special thank you to a very special person, Benjamin's "second mom", our nanny, Tara, for this wonderful picture.  It was taken 12/99, when Ben was 21 months old.  It shows the loving spirit we all came to know and love so well.  We miss you, Benny!!

August 18, 2000 - nearly 4 months without Benjamin

Friend, Please See Me Through My Tears

You asked, "How are you doing?" 
As I told you, tears came to my eyes...and you 
looked away and quickly began to talk again. 
All the attention you had given me had drained away. 

"How am I doing?" I do better when people listen
though I may shed a tear or two. 
This pain is indescribable. If you've never known it, you 
cannot fully understand. 
Yet I need you. 

When you look away, 
I am again alone with it.
Your attention means more than you can ever know. 

Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! 
They're nature's way of helping me to heal. 
They relieve some of the stress of sadness 
....but you are wrong. 

The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me, 
Only a thought away. 
My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not 
give me the pain...it was already there. 

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, Not knowing what to do? 
You are not helpless, 
And you don't need to do a thing but be there. 
When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, 
you've helped me 

You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need. 
Be patient...do not fear. 

Listening with your heart to "how I am doing" relieves the pain 
for when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter. 
Talking to you releases what I've wanted to say aloud, 
clearing space 
for a touch of joy in my life. 

I'll cry for a minute or two... and then I'll wipe my eyes 
and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later. 
When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight, 
my chest aches, my stomach knots... 
because I'm trying to protect YOU from my tears. 

Then we both hurt ME, because my pain is held inside, 
a shield against our closeness and YOU, 
because suddenly we are distant. 

So please, take my hand and see me through my tears... 
then we can be close again. 

Author Unknown 

September 14, 2000 - Four months and 19 days without Benjamin 

(Lord, how I miss him)

Sea of Grief

We left the dock in February of 1998. It was a bright and sunny day, no

clouds in sight. We were a family of four, soon to be five. What a

wonderful journey it was. The quiet, calm water was so beautiful and

clear. We could see the reflection of all our hopes and dreams. 

 

And then from out of nowhere a storm hit, fast and furious. Blinding,

crashing waves ravaged us with salt water, burning and stinging. The

dark clouds stole the sun. The water became murky and dark, an endless

pool of black. We struggled through the storm, sailing blindly for

quite some time until we found an island. It was an island of hope, an

island of chance. 

 

We rested there for a short time, and then the glorious sun came out again.  Shining down so beautifully and bright, just like those wise and beautiful blue eyes that gazed into mine. We set sail again, now a family of 5, all the while knowing that the storm would hit again. Anytime. Anyplace. It could hit with no warning at all. We hoped. We prayed. We cried and we begged for the storms to

leave us, to no avail. 

 

The storm hit again, in the darkness of the early morning. Throwing us to and fro. Sending us into terrifying waves of murky, cold water. Stinging with saltwater and chilling to the bone. Sending our hopes crashing like the sails. Tearing in the roaring winds, coming apart in shreds as we watched our baby’s life fading away; feeling so helpless, lost and scared; at the mercy of the

winds. This storm hit so fast and furious, it gave us no chance to do

anything but say goodbye and brace for more storms we knew would surely

come. They were there the whole time, on the horizon, never far away.

 

We’ve been through storm after storm in what’s left of our ship. The

sails are shredded, gaping with holes that only time can try to stitch.

The seawater continues to leak in. The winds whip us in every

direction. There are times when the water’s calm and the winds 

just softly blow. Just enough to let us know it’s still in control;

we’re still at its mercy. The water sometimes clears enough to see the

beginning of a reflection. The beginning of something like hope, like

survival. The sun shines down and dries the saltwater from our skin,

the tears from our eyes. There are times that the waves rock us to

sleep, an almost peaceful feeling. We almost feel in control again. As

much as we prepare ourselves for the next storm, we never know when it’s

going to hit or just how hard. 

 

It’s something we’re learning to live with. We’re just drifting through, enjoying the beauty in the calm water, and dreading the darkness of the storms. Just drifting on the sea.

September 24, 2000 - Five months of longing

This song so poignantly portrays my pain and longing and searching.  To hear the music with the words, click here:

Song Title: Hold Me Jesus
                ---            
Artist: Rich Mullins
Album Title: Songs

Lyrics:

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

Chorus:
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

Repeat Chorus

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

Repeat Chorus

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

(Thanks, Dolly, for this beautiful globe!)

November 25, 2000 - Seven Months

There just simply are no words to describe the moments of the days since I last wrote.  It is simply too painful and too dark to share with the world, so I will not even attempt it.  All I will say, is "Thank You" to those people who don't expect us to have "gotten over" or "moved on" from the death of our precious Benjamin.   In time, I know the pain will ease, but the time has not come yet, especially with the holidays approaching.  

Only those who have lost a child can fully understand.  To those families I have met along the way, thank you, so much.

Christmas In Heaven

December 25, 2000

I see the countless Christmas trees, around the world below
With tiny lights like heaven reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people love so dear,
those sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas Choir up here.

I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring
For its beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, but please remember dear,
That I am spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year,

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace inside this place.
Can you imagine Christmas with our Savior...face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit as I tell Him of you love,
So then pray for one another, as you lift your eyes above.

So please let you heart be joyful, and let your Spirits sing,
As I am spending Christmas, in HEAVEN...

and I am walking with the KING!

Author: Unknown

January 20,2000 - 9 months without Ben

It's hard as I sit here and think about the upcoming months.  February 14th, Valentine's Day, would be Matthew's 7th birthday.  Seven years old...it's so hard to imagine what he'd be like...what he'd be doing.

Then will come Benjamin's third birthday on March 9th.  The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.  As I write this, I flash back to when I used to update Ben's site when he was alive, anticipating the days to come, yet still living in fear that we could lose him.  It was a different kind of sickening feeling.  I can't even imagine what we will do on his birthday.

Then will come that awful month of April.  The 26th will be the one year anniversary of Ben's death (and my 34th birthday) and the 28th will be the 7th anniversary of Matthew's death.

Not the life I'd hoped for...not the life I'd ever dreamed of...but my life none-the-less, and my sons, none-the-less.  If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't hesitate.  The love and joy and beauty they brought to my life will forever be in my heart, sitting hand in hand with the pain and loneliness I feel in their absence.  God bless you precious boys.

February 21,2000 - 10 months without Ben